Open Letters...

Snagged from Tracey’s Blog… The challenge: Write 5 open letters. People, places, objects, animals. It doesn't matter. Write 5 succinct letters and express what you can't express in person. Strangers? People you'll never see again? People you're afraid to be completely honest with? Corporations? Celebrities? Your sister's cats? Write to 'em.

Dear Monique Lhuillier,

Congratulations on becoming the next big thing in the wedding gown design world. I realized who you were when I saw a picture of a friend of a friend's wedding the other day and said "THAT's the dress I want. Can you ask here where its from?" Sadly, I then realized that all of your dresses are in the 6-10K price range, which is just so ridiculous that I could spit. No WONDER I like them so much. Even more sad is that I keep looking for other dresses that are similar, and when I finally find one, bang- your name is on the tag again. So cripes, what's a girl to do? If you think of it, could you maybe send one some of your free leftover dresses? Preferably something in Ivory (because as my friend Michelle would say "the jig is up"). And if it could be the one with the cool straps and lace overlay from the Fall 2005 collection, that would really rock. Thanks in advance, and again, congratulations, you're a star! -Yours Truly, Gina

Dear Husband,

I can't wait for you to come home! But the closer that date gets, the more I worry that I'll really have no place to put you. Really. We might have to rent out the soon-to-be vacant upstairs apartment so you'll have somewhere to put your toothbrush and razor. I hope you don't mind. And I also hope you don't mind that I might get cranky about having to pick up my things all the time... I've become re-accustomed to living alone you see and... well- I'll just do my best.

Love- Me

Dear Daphne,

What the heck is up with the snoring lately?? Seriously?? Do we need to get you some doggy Breath Right strips or something? I'm sorry that I have to drag you out to the living room by your collar in the middle of the night, but good lord dog- the snoring is shaking the house! Also- what gives with getting up in the middle of the night EVERY SINGLE NIGHT?? You manage to stay inside for 8 hours everyday without potty breaks, so why the need to poop every 4 hours once it gets dark? While I'm at it- why are you STILL scared of the nail clippers?? I've had you for what- 6 years now? Not once have I nicked you, and I've got to ask- have we ever had a nail-clipping event where copious dog treats weren't present at the end?? I don't understand why you don't salivate every time I get the clippers. So why do you still cower in the corner? I still love you very much and you're my favorite living thing in the world- in addition to the husband (but honestly, I kind of only say that so he doesn't feel bad- I'd be hard-pressed to make a decision on who to pull out of a burning building...). Love- Me

Dear Neighbor,

I know it's none of my business, but I can't help but observe that you're into serial monogamy. With two women. Meaning- two separate relationships that seem to be -outside of each other- fairly "steady."

Don't you ever just want some alone time? Do you also think that it's insane that they drive almost the exact same car? Maybe I'm just lazy, but I can't, for the life of me, imagine having the mental wherewithal to be in a relationship with TWO men at the same time. I mean, sometimes I can barely remember my OWN name and birthday. And that's MEN. And most men are EASY. WHY are you trying to make two WOMEN happy at the same time? Blech- sounds like a nightmare. If neither of them is "enough" why not just ditch them both and look for someone who is? Oooo... and if you already know in your head that girl #1 isn't floating your boat, and that's why you've taken up with girl #2, you should think about ending things with girl #1. Call me old fashioned, but it's kind of the polite thing to do. I know that means getting rid of something (or someone or maybe someones in this case) that you like. Sure, that can be scary. But as it stands now, you have NO time to date or meet anyone who might potential be your "enough" woman.

So neighbor, I give back to you something to listen to- my advice and life observation: With the right person, monogamy is fun. Go find her.

-Your Neighbor, who's trying to mind her own business, but finds it increasingly difficult with the thin walls etc

Dear Friends,

I'm just letting you all know that I'm probably not doing Christmas and/or holiday cards this year. With all of the addressing and envelope-licking of the wedding announcements, and frequent visits to the post office to mail things to Iraq, I'm just kind of over it. Please know that I do indeed with you a Happy Holidays and a safe/fun/fabulous 2007.

Love, Me