An Open Letter to My (old) Fake Engagement Ring

It’s been a good run old girl, but its time you moved on, you need someone who can love you and take care of you the way I can’t. You deserve more than to be shoved away into some storage box, never again to share your sparkle with the world. You have performed dutifully my comrade, and for that, I thank you.

And to think, I didn’t even know I’d need you until I moved back to Seattle and joined the Downtown 24 Hour Fitness. It was there that I learned that I do in fact, have a sign on my forehead that reads: “If you’re a guy who’s under 5’2” and you like to grunt while you lift weights which are far heavier than you can safely lift, I am totally in your league. Please come talk to me. Limited English skills a plus!”

So I did it. I bought you. You were an impulse purchase at Nordstrom Rack- you called to me while I was waiting in line to buy some shoes. You were hanging there on a circular display, surrounded by some of your friends. Your friends were gigantic. Like Pamela Anderson’s breasts, they screamed of fakeness. No- I was looking for something different. More of a Dolly Parton. Big? Yes. In your face? Yes. Somehow tastefully over-the-top? Exactly. And your $12 price tag was in my budget.

We set out from there together. You lived in my wallet’s change compartment and were happy there. Though you were only called to action a handful of times during our years together, you faithfully stood on-point, ready to serve around the clock.

You even helped my friends- which was perhaps your role which brought me the most joy. Like a ninja, I learned not only how to locate you and get you onto my ring finger in a swift and virtually undetectable motion, but also how to subtly pass you into the hand of a girl-friend-in-need. Drug dealers in South Central LA would envy my ability to make such a stealth transfer under the watchful gaze of a Mr. Wrong. You helped Allison that time at Lelani Lanes when even the presence of her actual boyfriend didn’t seem to discourage her pursuer. You helped Ann dissuade Mr. Important-Job-on-Capitol-Hill the at the bar in DC by acting as the ring that was not only her great-grandmother’s, but also a sign of commitment between her and her life companion. (All of this serving as the logical excuse for why you were visibly WAY too big for her).

But most importantly, you helped me. Helped me, and enabled me to avoid uncomfortable honesty. Have you essentially helped me lie? Yes, but have you helped me lie in a why that spares others’ feelings? Yes. In my opinion, the ends justified the means.

But now I have a real engagement ring. It is beautiful just like you. I hate to say that it is more beautiful than you, so I’ll spare your feelings. Besides, while you both feature impressive micro pavé set accent diamonds and a bezel-set center stone, you two are made of very different materials and have totally different reasons for being; This one is meant to stay on my finger- forever. I really shouldn't take this one off- even if I want to get hit on. So I won’t say that my new ring is better, I’ll just say that it’s different. In a good way.

I will always have a place in my heart for you, but we both know that its time we parted. I’m happy now- you deserve to be happy too.

So I’m having a contest write here on Ginapalooza. I want to find the best home for you, and I want to hear from each interested reader why HE OR SHE deserves to have you. I want to know what kind of home you will have, what kind of activities and jobs you can look forward to etc. Readers can comment below as to why they feel they are the most deserving of a new fake engagement ring. I will consider all applicants, and your full custody will be awarded to the winner. Special preference will be give to applicants who promise to send me pictures of you in action throughout your times together.



(note to readers: I will post photos of this beauty shortly...)